ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Many hands make light work
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs