Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

Hell yeah 👍

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!