ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
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“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep