ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I have questions??
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
This is me 🤣🤣
Pee pressure > peer pressure
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn