Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.