Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider