Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

*seductively corrects your posture*

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.