@OhNoSheTwitnt

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

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@michaelianblack

If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!

@JPLFR80

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

@yoopnative

I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.

@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

@50FirstTates

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

@FredTaming

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

@Marlebean

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

@KrunkedRobot

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.