(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal