(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

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If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!


People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me


I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.


WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?



cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use


[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad


He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.