@michaelianblack
If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!
@OhNoSheTwitnt
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
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@michaelianblack
@goingonajournie
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
@JPLFR80
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
@yoopnative
I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.
*more than twice.
@TheToddWilliams
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
@50FirstTates
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
@FredTaming
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
@Marlebean
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
@KrunkedRobot
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.