[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
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ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I have a new favorite meme page
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.