[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
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I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*