[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
You Might Also Like
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Hitlers gonna hitl
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?