@KeetPotato

[me giving a tour of pillow factory]
guy: “what do you fill the pillows with?”
me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] “just stuff”

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@eff_yeah_steph

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

@AsgardianRose

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

@English_Channel

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

@mommajessiec

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

@ibid78

“Goodnight moon.”
*Moon takes out one earbud*
“No, Pepsi is not ok.”

@GrowlyGrego

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

@ohthatbadger

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

@anjeanettec

I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it.