[me giving a tour of pillow factory]
guy: “what do you fill the pillows with?”
me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] “just stuff”

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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.


No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.


[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?


Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.


I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese


I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.


“Goodnight moon.”
*Moon takes out one earbud*
“No, Pepsi is not ok.”


It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.


Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.


I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it.