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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life