Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what