Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
How does one answer this?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
(Gaming support cat.)
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.