Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then