Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Mornin
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I am having an out of money experience.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
