Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

Best spot.. 😅

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.