Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Cat is stressing him out.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
