[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
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[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Sorted
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.