[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
You Might Also Like
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.