Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.