[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake