[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*