Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
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HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah