Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
You Might Also Like
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Meme Monday.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?