Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

Yes my dude