Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
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if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My blood type is coffee.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
plant them where lol
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
