Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

🤣

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

my dog when i have a friend over

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

no!! no!!!!!!

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’