Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Me when I hear gossip

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

My dating profile:

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.