Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

Leaving the Barbers like

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon