Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.