Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Good morning, Twitter x

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.