Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage