Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.