Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.