Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]