me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
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interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
zone out
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
ok this is my dumbest yet
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home