Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear