Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?