Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
A new level of troll.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it