Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Lmao
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.