Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
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I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
