Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
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When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Oddly specific
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank