Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.