Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live