Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

If you know, you know 😂🚔

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

He instantly became one of the bros

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her