Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
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Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.