Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.