Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Me My dog

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.