Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

Hilarious if literal: arms race

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.