Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

*skinny dips into black hole

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?