Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
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I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
All is fair in drunk and war.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Current mood: Potato
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?