@djdarrellripley

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

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@DionneMcNutt

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

@mom_tho

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

@deloisivete

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

@GalaxyKate

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

@theshamingofjay

Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers

Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus

@SteveKoehler22

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

@PyJamieParty

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

@shanethevein

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

@EndhooS

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”