Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.


6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no


Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?


Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
“in defiance of the prophecies”


Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers

Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus


What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.


Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”


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“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”