Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
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My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours