Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
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Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
yall want some gasoline milk
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.