Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
You Might Also Like
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo