me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time