me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
You Might Also Like
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.