me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
hmm conte-me mais
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
