me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online