Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month