me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Fights fire with marshmallows
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
damn he’s good
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ