me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…