me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
LOL
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken