me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Pandas 🐼🖤
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation