Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

Omg 🤣

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.