Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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No one: I can hear screaming
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
#SaturdayBears
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.