Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Running your mouth is not cardio.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.