@pilau

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

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@TigNotaro

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

@MooseAllain

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

@ComedicBust

“These diet pills better work,” I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.

@PresTightrhymes

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

@Ivsy01

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

@WheelTod

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.