me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.


When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I’m superhuman


*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”


McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold


Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.


I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.


I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do


y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses


I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.