me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
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when someone compliments me
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]