Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Care for your back
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.