Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night