Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
*seductively peels off lederhosen
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.