me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
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Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.