me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.