Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
listen closely
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that