Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.