Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
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Black Friday “markdowns” like
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)