Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I’m literally crying
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”