Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

I think I’ll stand