Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A recipe for laughter
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*