Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes